Dear Guy-that-sat-behind-me-on-my-last-airplane-flight,
Stop touching my seat!!! You don’t need to touch someone’s
seat that much! I see that you have arm-rests, sir. Use them to push yourself
up. No need to pull. Simply put your arms beside you and “push” -it’s that
easy. You’re giving me a seizure- AND I DON’T HAVE EPILEPSY! Nope, just a bad
case of the this-guy-behind-me-can’t-sit-still!!! For the love of crap, man.
Use your abs!! Flex that stomach when you want to stand. Engage those core
muscles. Come on! Are you working out back there? ‘Cause it’s darn near
impossible for someone to pee that much in three hours and I don’t see a park
or anything that you could be walking to, so what the heck are you doing?! Sit
down and stay there!!!! I’ll tell ya this, if you use your arms one more time
to pull yourself out of that seat, I’m going to bite your fingers!
While I’m at it. I want to talk to you, Mrs. I-can’t-walk-down-the-aisle-without-touching-the-back-of-everyone’s-seat.
Seriously, everyone’s seat? What are you doing?! There are clear skies out
those windows. This ride is smoother than a Lexis. Stop acting like the plane
is going to nose-dive any moment causing you to careen toward the front of the
plane. Walk down the aisle like a woman who’s had her legs for more than five
minutes!
Since we’re here…You’re next, Mr. I-feel-that-it-is-necessary-to-drag-my-hands-across-the-over-head-bins-on-my-way-to-and-from-the-bathroom.
Everyone in the airplane wants to punch you in the throat right now. I’d rather
listen to six computers connect to dial-up internet than listen to your callused
hands slide the entire way down the aisle and back. Newsflash! The airplane designer
put hand-grips right under the overhead compartment so that you could hold on
to something. You’re not the Pope! People don’t want to know if you’re coming
or going! They don’t! Not at all! Not ever your wife! She wants to punch you
just as much as everyone else! Stop it! If you don’t, there’s a good chance I’ll
accidentally trip you on your next walk… after all, I can hear you coming!
Sincerely,
Aisle
Seat 17C