Airplane Rant: A letter to those detestable passengers we all want to flog

Dear Guy-that-sat-behind-me-on-my-last-airplane-flight,

Stop touching my seat!!! You don’t need to touch someone’s seat that much! I see that you have arm-rests, sir. Use them to push yourself up. No need to pull. Simply put your arms beside you and “push” -it’s that easy. You’re giving me a seizure- AND I DON’T HAVE EPILEPSY! Nope, just a bad case of the this-guy-behind-me-can’t-sit-still!!! For the love of crap, man. Use your abs!! Flex that stomach when you want to stand. Engage those core muscles. Come on! Are you working out back there? ‘Cause it’s darn near impossible for someone to pee that much in three hours and I don’t see a park or anything that you could be walking to, so what the heck are you doing?! Sit down and stay there!!!! I’ll tell ya this, if you use your arms one more time to pull yourself out of that seat, I’m going to bite your fingers!

While I’m at it. I want to talk to you, Mrs. I-can’t-walk-down-the-aisle-without-touching-the-back-of-everyone’s-seat. Seriously, everyone’s seat? What are you doing?! There are clear skies out those windows. This ride is smoother than a Lexis. Stop acting like the plane is going to nose-dive any moment causing you to careen toward the front of the plane. Walk down the aisle like a woman who’s had her legs for more than five minutes!  

Since we’re here…You’re next, Mr. I-feel-that-it-is-necessary-to-drag-my-hands-across-the-over-head-bins-on-my-way-to-and-from-the-bathroom. Everyone in the airplane wants to punch you in the throat right now. I’d rather listen to six computers connect to dial-up internet than listen to your callused hands slide the entire way down the aisle and back. Newsflash! The airplane designer put hand-grips right under the overhead compartment so that you could hold on to something. You’re not the Pope! People don’t want to know if you’re coming or going! They don’t! Not at all! Not ever your wife! She wants to punch you just as much as everyone else! Stop it! If you don’t, there’s a good chance I’ll accidentally trip you on your next walk… after all, I can hear you coming!

                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                                                                                                Aisle Seat 17C

Tupperware Files: Fine China for the 21st Century Woman

Tupperware Files

Fine China for the 21st Century Woman

Oh man, last week I made delicious banana-mint birthday cookies for my uncle. I asked Hubberkins to swing by the house on the way to the party and pick up the gift. He arrived just in time for the present-openings.

“Thanks for grabbing that, honey.” I whispered as he sat down. “Were you able to find a tin to put the cookies in?”

“No. I grabbed a Tupperware.”

You what?! You grabbed a what?! You grabbed a Tupperware?! You gave away a piece of our fine Tupperware?! Why would you do that?! You don’t do that! You don’t give away our Tupperware! What are you thinking?! That’s our Tupperware!

Am I the only one out there that treats their Tupperware like it is fine china? What’s wrong with me? I can buy more Tupperware. For Pete’s sake, I can pick up a four-pack at the dollar store. Yet, here I am internally freaking about a plastic boowwlll… What are you doing using a Tupperware container as a cereal bowl?!?! Are you kidding me? That piece of plastic is to be used with stuff that needs to be stored. Don’t put your cereal in it. Don’t eat your soup from it! Don’t use that Tupperware unless you’re going to put a lid on it! You’re throwing off the container to lid ratio! Pretty soon I’m going to need store something with a lid, but I won’t be able to do so because the container will be in the dishwasher while the lid is in the cupboard! Ridiculous!

These days, when a woman gets married, the most prized possession she could receive isn’t her grandma’s bible, monogrammed picture frame, or a Kitchen Aide mixer. It’s a brand new set of Tupperware. At least, that’s how we women end up treating that Tupperware. It’s practically more important that our husbbb… put that down! No, no. You don’t get another Tupperware today! You didn’t turn in your Tupperware from yesterday, so you can’t take one out today. You’ll have to take your salad in a Ziplock or a paper towel. Sorry, buddy. If you want your lunch in a Tupperware, you’ll have to return the first one.

So as I was saying, we women really need to lighten up on the whole Tupperware thing. I mean, it’s not really a big deal.