Airplane Rant: A letter to those detestable passengers we all want to flog

Dear Guy-that-sat-behind-me-on-my-last-airplane-flight,

Stop touching my seat!!! You don’t need to touch someone’s seat that much! I see that you have arm-rests, sir. Use them to push yourself up. No need to pull. Simply put your arms beside you and “push” -it’s that easy. You’re giving me a seizure- AND I DON’T HAVE EPILEPSY! Nope, just a bad case of the this-guy-behind-me-can’t-sit-still!!! For the love of crap, man. Use your abs!! Flex that stomach when you want to stand. Engage those core muscles. Come on! Are you working out back there? ‘Cause it’s darn near impossible for someone to pee that much in three hours and I don’t see a park or anything that you could be walking to, so what the heck are you doing?! Sit down and stay there!!!! I’ll tell ya this, if you use your arms one more time to pull yourself out of that seat, I’m going to bite your fingers!

While I’m at it. I want to talk to you, Mrs. I-can’t-walk-down-the-aisle-without-touching-the-back-of-everyone’s-seat. Seriously, everyone’s seat? What are you doing?! There are clear skies out those windows. This ride is smoother than a Lexis. Stop acting like the plane is going to nose-dive any moment causing you to careen toward the front of the plane. Walk down the aisle like a woman who’s had her legs for more than five minutes!  

Since we’re here…You’re next, Mr. I-feel-that-it-is-necessary-to-drag-my-hands-across-the-over-head-bins-on-my-way-to-and-from-the-bathroom. Everyone in the airplane wants to punch you in the throat right now. I’d rather listen to six computers connect to dial-up internet than listen to your callused hands slide the entire way down the aisle and back. Newsflash! The airplane designer put hand-grips right under the overhead compartment so that you could hold on to something. You’re not the Pope! People don’t want to know if you’re coming or going! They don’t! Not at all! Not ever your wife! She wants to punch you just as much as everyone else! Stop it! If you don’t, there’s a good chance I’ll accidentally trip you on your next walk… after all, I can hear you coming!

                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                                                                                                Aisle Seat 17C